Smarmy

Friends,

A friend recently told me he appreciated my writing because I addressed a topic without being “smarmy,” and although I wasn’t sure what it meant, I took it as a compliment...and it turns out it is. “Smarmy” is defined as ”ingratiating and wheedling in a way that is perceived as insincere and excessive,” and I was pleased to be told I didn’t meet this description. And, in fact, I would do well, I thought, to model my writing with the opposite criteria of being forthright, sincere and focused. And then I thought this would be a good model for life in general  - if I were to add compassionate and kind.

We live in a time when we are dealing daily with what often seems a pervasive culture of the lack of integrity and compassion leading to smarminess that may feel like the norm. I worry that we are lowering our social standards and expectations to that level. I think of character, the combination of individual traits that give a person stature and respect, as the opposite of the swarminess of "ingratiating insincerity.”  

It helps me to personally avoid being “smarmy” about a person or topic by thinking about others as equals. I assume others are facing similar questions and challenges about life as I do. When I write I try to take the time to explore my own feelings and insights about the reality of our daily lives, for example during the Covid era or the political assaults of the Trump administration, and then I try to empathetically discern how much others may be feeling somewhat the same. And then I try to offer a reflection that contains a realistic assessment and follow with a message of hope. It is often extremely difficult for me to effectively sound hopeful without being, well, smarmy. What is the fine line between being hopeful, faithful, and trusting and to not deny my feelings of so much discouragement and even despair? I think we all walk that fine line.

Ultimately I often just revert to an appreciation of the present daily gifts in my life. I think the opposite of “smarmy” is really about humility. Much of our daily conversations are simply “small talk” about the weather, sports, our common friends, or our gardens. But these conversations are ultimately about our willingness to connect with sincere and honest inquires about what most matters in each other's lives. And if the conversation does “go deep” with moments of emotion about someone’s illness or tragedy we are open to mutual acceptance, respect and affection.  In other words, genuine connection is the opposite of a “smarmy" exchange when we instead evoke and recognize the integrity of the common character and journey of our lives.

Now that I have written a critique of my writing I hope I have also followed my own guidelines. And I hope, of course, something in what I have written offers you a personal affirmation, or perhaps a challenge in your own life. 

Peace,
Tom