Tending

Friends,

On a recent road trip with my son I often needed some steadying on the trails or help with my computer, among other support. At the end of our week he quipped that I seemed to need a lot of “tending.” I agreed. But I reminded him that he could consider it a bit of a payback for all those diapers and times I “tended” him when he was a growing up! I actually believe that at any age, in spite of our assumed independence, we all need some “tending.” When applied in this usage tending means “to watch over,.” or "act as an attendant" in a more personal way. But I like broadening the term to include what it means to be a responsible and caring member in community, or the importance of tending our family or social group all the way up to our present challenge of “tending” to our government’s threats

When our children and elders, especially, need tending, or when our other family members, colleagues, or friends  are struggling with a difficult time in their lives, we are given the opportunity to become attendant to their practical and emotional needs. Tending thus becomes loving practice at a personal and social level. Whether or not we are necessarily drawn toward tending* for others, it is a key element of family and community life. I have spent a number of days in the hospital these past few years, and I am always so heart-warmed seeing how people care for sick members of their families or their wheelchair bound charges, or the care most of the hospital staff show parents. And I am also especially gratified to observe the increase in tending - parenting roles now increasingly being assuming by fathers - an important change within my lifetime.

Our various communities, too, need tending. Our Quaker tradition puts a great deal of emphasis on an individual relationship with God without creeds or hierarchy. But we also hold an equally firmly-held counter to individualism by the practice of holding each other in mutual accountability. We say that, although our thoughts and actions may well tend to be from a place of empathy and well-meaning service, on any particular day any of us can get things wrong. We need to trust one another’s willingness to care enough about each other that we can lovingly engage each other with our differences. In individual settings we invite opportunities for someone to share their questions or misgivings about a job change, leadership or family challenges; in a worshipful setting called a clearness committee, with the goal of helping an individual become clearer about next steps. And when faced with complex decisions as a congregation we are deeply committed to listening to diverse points of view in order to discover what we are to do until we arrive at a decision that not only has full membership support but also is affirmed by a sense of spiritual accountability. Our commitment to tending one another, and including each person as part of our mutual responsibility, is a key to establishing the trust that is necessary for strong community cohesion. I would like to believe that each of us has a friendship with enough care and depth that we can lovingly tend each other in trust and faith that our mutual care will be accepted. 

And then there is the challenge of tending to ourselves. We have a constant flow of daily advice about the importance of a good diet, enough sleep, regular exercise, an active social life, careful money management, limiting stress …the list goes on. And most of us do pay some attention to tending to our mental health and healthy lifestyle, but it is difficult to set up a consistent routine. Instead we contend (there’s that word again!) with our own distractions and confusions. In this area of divisiveness and fear-mongering life can feel like a constant struggle as we contend with the disturbing politics and related social and environmental threats. 

I have always liked the image of a shepherd as a metaphor for tending and caring. A minister friend of mine on Whidbey is a shepherd, and she often uses the close relationship with her flock as an example of what it means to be “pastoral” and responsible for others. When we are tending for each other, at a personal or communal level, we are at the heart of what it means to be human.

Peace,
Tom

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*The other prime use of the verb to tend, is “to likely behave in likely or characteristic way. “I tend to walk slowly these days.” I would like to think that most of us regularly do tend to others.

I can’t resist citing another meaning of the word tender: to express personal affection. And then I think of Elvis Presley. The “oldsters” among us will remember swaying in a “slow dance” to Elvis’s “Love me Tender” at the high school dance!